From my heart

From my Heart ...

Many events have brought me to this place of the heart. I have traveled many roads in my time here and all of them have been important to my journey and experience. Along the way I have seen many sights. Sometimes I stop to get a better look, sometimes I just slow down and keep on going. I have traveled with a shield of armor around my heart for most of my journey. It is safer that way you see. The road of life has many pitfalls and traveling along life’s highways can be ever so dangerous. I guess a part of my life has been from the safety of being behind a glass window. It is safer that way. I have watched life from within the security of my armor, mostly from behind my window. I have still been able to learn many things, but I have also missed out on many of the joys of life because of having to carry my armor and watch from my window. 

Every so often along the road, I risked and decided to interact with other travelers. Sometimes I would stop my car, roll down the window, and even to get out of my car and step onto the grass and talk with these travelers. 

It was on one of these days that my heart experienced its first awakening. It was many years ago and many miles ago that I first felt the stirrings of my heart. It was young love, yes, but it was real. It was during that time that I first met many of you, my friends. I was in school when I saw her, my first love. I knew something special was happening, I barely had my license to drive when my heart first felt those feelings. It was a connecting feeling, a feeling that was somehow familiar. I felt excited to share life with this special one. I thought I knew her from somewhere long ago, maybe some where in time, maybe in Heaven, but I knew her. I ask her out on a date, to take a ride with me in my red car. That funny little red car. Oh how we did enjoy that time together and along our short journey we fell in love. That was so long ago and so many miles ago. 

I wanted to spend my life with you. We met each others families, shared meals and looked into each others eyes. That was so many miles ago. Our hearts connected, and our life seemed so good. Our dreams were different back then, I didn’t know it at the time, but now I see.  I chose to set off on a grand adventure, far away from you. 2 years in a place far away.  You ... well, you decided that you would rather let me experience this without you. I received word from family that you had let go of my hand and taken another road. I cried when I heard the news. I remember the pain in my heart. You stepped out of my life and into another. It was in that moment, that I placed that first bit of armor around my heart.  I felt safer that way because my heart was tender. I was wounded in that young heart. I thought that our love was forever. Time went by and I returned home, but you were gone, into another’s arms.

I found myself alone for a time, in my little red car. Armor around my heart. I reached out to you, in my timid way to find comfort, healing, resolve. We were so young, you and I, but the heart I had opened to you was wounded, and I felt somehow that I had failed. 

Time passed, and I continued along my journey with armor around my heart. There were many hearts that I touched, and many that touched me in those years. Good years. Adventure, discovery, awakening. I traded my little red car, for a motorcycle. This is for me, I decided. I will show the world that I am not afraid.  Oh, the joy I felt for a time, the freedom. I could feel the energy of life back then ... so many miles ago. 

It was then that I saw her. Her dark hair, the flash of her smile. It was also then that I felt the feelings, somehow familiar, but also unfamiliar to me. I had felt them before, but fainter. My GPS guidance, I guess. The feelings were so strong and yet my heart, it knew. My heart also knew that there was rough road ahead. It was destiny that I met her. The one with the dark hair, and that smile. She had already traveled along life’s road, with that dark hair and that smile, and she had stopped along the way to sample the dangers of life. I should have known...  I ask her to walk with me, knowing that it would be a difficult journey. Others could see ... I traveled many miles with that dark hair and smile. I watched the smile fade. My joy of life, the freedom, the energy ... the passion for life, that faded too. 

I continued to travel along life’s path. My road  seemed so sad, so predictable, so lifeless. I had long ago traded in my motorcycle for a car, then a truck, then another truck. All the time, the armor around my heart grew thick and hard. My heart was still beating, but it didn’t feel joy. My hopes, my dreams, they had somehow along the way been buried beneath my disappointments. 

It was some during those dark years that my GPS began again, first faint, then louder until I could no longer ignore the signal. I knew that I needed to reboot, to get a clear view of what I wanted. I wanted to regain my vision again, my window on life was dirty and I was unable to see clearly. I took a sleeping bag and my truck to the mountains. It was so long ago and so many miles ago... 

 I was there for almost 3 days, praying for help, asking for direction, hoping for something. Anything. I drove slowly off the mountain that day. My heart so sad. I knew that the choice I had made would bring many tears, and hurt so much. It was many weeks before I could see the road. So many tears, and my heart ... my heart hurt so much. I walked away from that dark hair, the smile gone... My armor now heavy and hard to carry.

I carried a heavy load when I met her. The redhead. She was sitting a few chairs away when I first felt it again. My GPS. My guidance. It was faint, but it was working again. I knew somehow, deep down, that my prayers had been answered. I had given my truck away and now walked along my road. My armor was heavy. I had carried it a long while. I needed my protection. Life had been dangerous and I needed my armor. She had a smile, and a sparkle, that redhead. It melted through my armor and awakened my feelings again. She was patient, very patient. She healed my wounds, taught me how to forgive, and helped me find my joy of life. She helped me let go of my armor. The armor that I had carried so long and so many miles ... She helped me open and share my heart. The joy I felt. Oh, the joy ... How can I ever thank you, my little redhead?  17 years.  17 wonderful years of joy and life in its grandest fashion ... 

Then, it happened. When you first felt it, we talked about what we would do. Your faith, your love of life, your determination. What an inspiration you were to me, to everyone.  But, your life was cut short, you were needed... 

  When it was all over, my heart hurt, my tears had filled many nights and many days, and I was alone again. Something was different this time with my heart. My heart was still open, wide open. It hurt from your loss, but my heart now comforted me. My heart began to teach me and nurture me... 

When I watch the wind now, I am reminded of your smile and joy. I imagine how many lives you have touched along your journey, with your smile, that sparkle, and that red hair ...  My armor is long gone now. It was much to heavy. You helped me see that. My heart is now open and I can see the joy in life. I look for the good in others, and I find it. I am beginning to remember who I am, and I like that. I see others beginning to come into my life, now that I no longer carry my armor. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. 

I am far from where I started ...  So many miles, so many roads ...  I can just see just over the horizon. There is a light, faint, but it is there... I now walk toward that light, and I am getting stronger. I think and I feel from the heart. Oh, what joy it brings me ...  I am no longer afraid of what’s ahead in my journey. I AM here to discover, to learn, and to walk, knowing that I carry with me everything I need, everything I want ... in my heart. Now as I look at who I am and what I have become, I can thank my heart for allowing me to experience life. Much of what life has taught me has come from my heart. My Loves ...  My dreams ... They have all been made richer, more vivid. I look with fondness at all who have made this possible. All you who I have known in this life and have helped to make me who I am today. Thank you. From my heart... Who will I be tomorrow? 

Only my heart knows ...