thank you Carin

Carin, thank you for opening your heart and sharing with me, I was able to feel your love and concern for me. Your presence and support and love were so important in helping me.  

I was able to have the courage and faith to go through these last days with your mom, staying positive especially when I knew she was in pain. We felt so blessed to be able to have used natural means and treatments to take care of the pain in the early stages. We only needed the stronger drugs for the last few days. 

I saw so many miracles from you all. You were so caring and loving to your mom, I know she felt your love too. I have continued to see your mom's influence in so many other lives. She was a bright light and helped to lift the lives and spirits of many. I have received emails and cards from people all across the  country. I am also writing this in response to Candice, she wrote me shortly after you and ask about my trip to Provo after your mom died. 

My uncle came over and looked at the messy house and wondered about the beds and such and took the time to fold and pick up for me. I thanked him and told him that I had asked you all to leave it for me, as a reminder of the love and experience that we had all shared together. I have the house back in order.

I am spending time reflecting on the blessings of the last 17 years with your mom. It is getting colder and I am now building fires to keep the house comfortable, and it gives me something to do. I have been quieting my mind and clearing my thoughts to be able to find direction and purpose for the next part of my life. It will take some time as I have been used to multitasking like most of us and as a result, I have giving less than my best to what is at hand. I find it helpful for me to focus on one thing at a time and then move on to the next thing. 

I too have felt your mom in my life. Each day I have been privileged to witness small miracles in my life and realize that your mom is holding my hand and giving me encouragement. 

With your mom I was able to see the miracle of life in nature and I continue to see the plants and animals make their gifts known to me. One of our favorite books is called Animal Speaks, and I am able to look up the message of each as they bring their comfort. Your mom had most of the animal messages memorized and I was able to ask her when she was here. 

Yesterday was 10-10-10. I felt your mom several days ago and was prompted to take some of her ashes out to a special place that she and I discovered several years ago. I said some prayers, lit some sage and with the feathered wing stood facing the rising sun and thanked Heavenly Father for my life with your mom. At 10 a.m. I released her ashes into the wind. I told her how much she had meant to me and how she had healed my broken heart from my first marriage and brought me such peace and joy and love. I thanked all of nature for their comfort and help.  

I know that there were angles and family there also. I felt a special spirit from many who were there. As I looked up in the sky I saw 10 crows flying in a thermal, circling the area. When I got home, I had a praying mantis land and when I picked it up I knew that there was a message also. When I opened Animal Speaks, to read, a grass hopper landed in my shoe. I wrote that message down. When I put the animal messages all together, this is their combined message;  "There is a sacred spirit calling us to see the changes that will be occurring in all of creation. Still the outer mind and go within for the answers that will be given. Listen to the still small voice and trust, then leap forward to new life."  

I am amazed at the ways that the spirit can give us direction and comfort. 

I watched the move, "Dragonfly" with Kevin Costner last night and got some more direction. Your mom and I got inspiration from movies and found comfort from the good old and new movies that are there to inspire and help us. I guess that is why she spent so much time recording and sharing her favorite movies. 

After she died on Sunday night I was able to spend some special time talking with your mom's spirit and I felt her presence strongly through the night. 

Monday, we placed your mom's body in the truck, I picked up my Aunt next door and we drove to American Fork to the Mortuary, where we left the body. I came back later in the day with my mother and sister to take care of the paper work. The mortician, Shawn Warenski, is a cousin by marriage and he was so loving and caring. He only charged for the cost of the cremation and the permits required. Thursday, he brought the ashes to me with the death certificate. Cause of death is listed as breast cancer. Manner of Death is listed as Natural. My family got together on Wednesday and I shared some of the experiences that we had here in Escalante. 

I have found myself laughing and crying and being damned mad at life for the changes that have happened. I guess that is part of my grieving and healing experience. 

I pray that all our experiences make us better than before and I know that  your mom will be close to help us and lift our spirits. 

I asked my mother for the large red sandstone rock that I made for them years ago. It has the griffin name with some special petroglyphs that your mom and I discovered. It will be in Escalante to remind us of her love to all of us.  

Carin, we will put some ashes in the containers you have for family when I come to Arizona. I love you all and thank you so much for your help and caring. I can really feel the added prayers and thoughts from everyone. Love, Gary.

PS your mom has been here helping me to write this message ... Stay tuned for more ...