Reflections of this past year have been part of my healing and adjusting after Pearlene’s death one year ago. This quiet and isolated community has been a blessing in my life. The fall art festival here in Escalante, this past week, brought back memories of her last days with me. Cancer had taken over her body but not her spirit. Our family gathered from Arizona and New York to honor her in a living memorial. As the house filled with her children and siblings, Mother and friends, along with grandchildren, I could feel the veil thinning and feel the gathering of angels and loved ones from the other side, here in the home. 
In my minds eye, I could see this house smiling with joy as we crowded 30 plus in its walls. I was involved with every moment of her pain and transition and had to rely on family members to take care of themselves. I witnessed the miracles of life giving us the opportunity to serve her in her last moments on earth. She, who served us all so well all of her life. She told me that she would not die until all her children had arrived, it was difficult to see her straining breath and the pain she felt but finally they all arrived. 
Each child, mother, grandchild and sibling had an opportunity to say goodbye and to let her know of their love for her and her love for them. We watched as the vitality drained from her and we watched as she slipped into a coma in the last days. We sat with her and held her hand, talked to her and laughed with her until she no longer could respond. It was heartbreaking to see her spirit slip from us and as a family we finally realized that we needed to withdraw and allow her to die.
She was being sustained by our faith and love and when her pain became too much, I began the morphine to ease that pain, knowing that she would slowly loose consciousness and then die. I ask all the family to join with me, to release her from this world and to ask that all prayers be directed in this manner. After days of constant care and attendance to her, I ask her daughters to take over and allow me to rest. Each hour they would quietly enter the room and give her the pain medication and observe her responsiveness.
Finally on sunday evening on Sept. 26th 2010, she passed from this earthly plane and left us to ponder the why’s and how’s of living without her laughter and bright spirit that so filled the room whenever she was around. She lifted our spirits and made each day brighter for those that allowed her to shine. She cared so much for her family, her children and grandchildren, Her mother and siblings. All of us cried and mourned our loss at not having her here with us. And yet we also rejoiced at her being released from the pain and suffering.
Pearlene and I choose to keep private many of the special and miraculous events of our lives.
We came together 18 years ago after the Heavens literally introduced us. Angels told Pearlene that if she wanted to follow her heart and her spiritual path that she would have to allow the heavens to take care of her children from this time forward and trust that they would be safe in their hands.
She was told to come to Manti, Utah, where I was living at the time. She was told that she would be shown that man that would walk this path with her. The moment that we met, I could feel the energy and spirit of this earthly Angel. My life was transformed by her and together we watched as the veil was lifted and we remembered our promise to one another that we would find each other and walk a journey for a time. We left our old lives and began a life of discovery and walked a path that was perfect for us.
The combination of our love and desire to follow a spiritual path gave us tremendous opportunity to grow and the people that we met and the places that we traveled opened our hearts and our spirits and we connected with God in a way that few experience. Leaving our old ways and religion was difficult for family members and we felt their disappointment in us. I want them to know that for us, our journey was worth the price we paid. We witnessed the heavens open, and felt the presence of spiritual beings on many occasions. We traveled to the mountain tops and communed with God and Angels.
I have had many sad moments this past year, but not sad in lost opportunities, only sad that I have had to adjust my life to being without my friend and lover for a time. I have been able to connect with her on a spiritual level many times and have felt her words come to me when I was reminded to send a birthday wish to a child or friend. I have had my heart opened wide and I have wept many tears, not tears of regret or tears of sorrow, but tears that have helped me to become more loving and sensitive to life and the joy of living.
I have had 17 wonderful and glorious years of adventure and discovery, I have been able to walk a road that few have traveled, but I have also seen how good life can be when two hearts are joined as one.
I have witnessed the miracle of seeing how heaven on earth can be lived now ... here ... while in this life. I received many letters, cards and phone calls from concerned and grieving friends who ask me, why? I don’t know why, but I do know that her love of life, her connection to nature and her love for others, reached out and lifted the spirits and souls of so many. She is a tree hugger, and nature responded to her love and I on many occasions I watched the trees bow and sway when no breeze was present. The animals came to her and showed their love to her and often she felt their message of warning or hope in her future. I witnessed the rocks and mountains mourn her presence. We walked many trails along our journey of life, and each was for me a magnificent opportunity to see unconditional love and joy from someone who truly loved life and all that it encompassed.
I am still sad but ... I walked 17 years with an Angel, hand in hand, and together we witnessed the miracle of life here on this earth. I love you Pearlene, My Love ... Now ... And forever. I have on my wall a poem that she wrote to me several years ago, it comforts me and lifts my spirits when I am missing her smile, her touch.
Beloved
How do I love thee
Let me count the ways:
I love thee in a way I have never loved before.
I treasure thee for all you do - the little thing’s
For the way you call me ‘Sweetheart”
The way you make me laugh!
And when I think perhaps you have forgotten our love,
You shine forth the rays that fill me with rapture.
I love the way your poet’s hand puts to pen, lines of love.
That speak to my heart, my soul, and fills my cup.
That I may drink that wine of heaven’s bounty and know,
WE ARE EACH OTHER’S FOREVER!
I LOVE YOU
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