The Room
“I can’t move.”
“I must move.”
“Why can’t I move?”
A thick fuzzy paralysis gripped me. This doesn’t feel right.
“What kind of force holds me against my will?”
I struggled to wake up, the covers on the bed seemed to weigh a ton.
“Help me!”
“I must fight free from this feeling of helplessness.”
There are forces on this earth that we must face, both known and unknown. The invisible force that held me bound was not a new experience. It has happened many times in my life.
The most powerful of these experiences happened in Provo, Utah.
I was working the graveyard shift at Novell.
While I walked through the mostly empty buildings at night I would check to make sure the doors were closed and locked. My progress was monitored by the security system. After checking all areas I would often have time to stop in the break room and get some hot chocolate or popcorn. There were several smaller rooms scattered around that had first aid supplies, a vending machine, and a bed.
We rotated assignments each night to break the routine and keep us alert. I did really good until around 5 in the morning.
My eyes would not listen to my brain.
When my buddy and I worked the same shift, if we finished our rounds we would go to the break room and rest for a few minutes before the next round.
It was in this room that I had my encounter with the unknown force. It was also a time in my life that I was struggling to find direction and answers to what lie ahead.
I left California to find peace and a better job. I came back to my roots, the place that I called home.
My day job started at 8 in the morning. I would finish at 4:30 and go straight home, eat, shower and go to bed. I would wake at 10 at night, dress and arrive at my second job at 11. There I would join other security guards and work until 7 in the morning. I would go home, change into my day clothes and work till 4:30. This routine went on for months until I was falling asleep while sitting in the restaurant for lunch or sleeping through my lunch break at night.
I thought that by applying my self and working harder I could get ahead. The trouble was that my body wasn’t able to manage the stress and lack of sleep.
“I must get up.”
‘This force is keeping me from moving.”
“I can’t breathe.”
“I need help!”
“Why is this happening to me?”
This experience happened numerous times to me while I worked the night shift.
I found an empty conference room on my rounds that I would use to pray. It was quiet and had a peaceful feeling when I would stop there. I had many conversations with God in that room. I think it was me that did most of the talking. I would always pause and wait for some kind of answer or inspiration or anything to give me the help I was asking for.
I wanted a better job with better pay. I wanted answers to all the questions that I had concerning my unhappy marriage, the unpaid bills, and my faith was wavering. I had so many questions and I desperately needed help.
I got a break on the weekends, I had Saturday to sleep and catch up on my rest.
One night while sleeping at home, I noticed the binding feeling surround me. I couldn’t move, I had a hard time breathing. I recognized the feeling from the break room. The same fuzzy half awake feeling.
“I must wake up.”
“Move.”
“Breathe!”
“Help me!”
Then I felt the binding feeling leave, I was wide awake.
“I can breathe again.”
“What is that exquisite feeling that is filling my body?”
“The tingling.”
“The lightness.”
“The peace.”
“Is someone here?”
“Is it you, God?”
At that moment I felt such joy. Tears welled up in my eyes and fell to my pillow.
“How am I doing God?”
The feeling intensified and got stronger and stronger. It felt like I was floating above the bed.
“What do you want me to do, God?”
“Oh ... are you sure?”
“Are you really sure?”
“Are you sure you’re sure?”
“Ok ... then, I will do it.”
In that moment, my life changed.
I knew my direction.
I knew that no matter what happened, I would be ok.
I am not alone in my experience.
There are many who have passed through this dark night of the soul. It is in our greatest need that our greatest blessings come.
It may come in many forms. It fills a need that our soul has to commune with a higher power.
The God source.
The source that each of us have within us.
We can pray to an outside force for help, but the real power is within.
We are powerful beings experiencing this human form. These bodies are subject to the forces that are part of this earth experience. We each play a small part of the overall story that is unfolding before our eyes. We experience it best when we open our hearts and allow the richness of life to be our teacher.
My experience a few nights ago, is my clue that good things are about to explode into my life. I have been doing most of the talking again, but this time I know that at any moment ... in an instant, my life will move me towards new frontiers, new experiences, new relationships, and the windows to my life will broaden, exposing me to a new, adventure of a life time.
