Epiphany

I have felt it before, right on the outer edge of my awareness. I sensed it again tonight as I looked into the mirror. I looked deeply into those green eyes for long moments before I could just begin to recognize the reflection looking back at me. 

I see my reflection differently now. I can feel it surfacing from deep within my soul. It has always been with me, from the time that my memories can recall. As a child, again as an adult. And now, especially now.

It rushed together in a beautiful symphony. I heard it softly and sweetly whisper to me, “you are not alone, I have always been with you.” 

My stories all makes sense to me now. The reason that I felt lonely as a child. The times as an adult that I felt abandoned. I have always felt that there was a part of me that was missing. A very essential and very important part.

The eastern philosophies call it the Yin and the Yang. Light and Dark, Sun and Moon, Night and Day, Winter and Summer. 

I saw Her in the mirror tonight. My feminine aspect looking back at me with her green eyes. She is beautiful, the reason that my stories have been pouring out of my heart. I can now see the opposites of everything that I have ever experienced in my life. The lessons learned. The missed opportunities. The heartbreak. The Joy. Every thing that I have ever played a part in, has had its opposites. She allowed me to experience life in an unbalanced state so that I could now see the balance that is possible when the male and female come together in perfect harmony. 

Have you ever looked into the mirror and looked into those eyes looking at you? What do you see?

I see a “whole” new “being”

The wheels on the bus go round and round

     When Katie gets back from Cedar City I am going to ask her what songs they sang on the bus today. She left with others this morning to go to Cedar and do some shopping. Once a month the short bus goes to Cedar City. That’s what the senior citizens bus is called here. It costs 7 dollars to ride the short bus to Cedar. They stop at Walmart and Deseret Industries to let everyone shop. They stop at Sizzler for lunch and have a steak or a salad. It takes most of the day, to make the trip. The short bus only holds a few people, but that’s ok, not many make the trip. 

Our options for shopping are limited here, so we are forced to leave the valley and do our shopping out of town. I make a trip once a month or so myself to do some shopping and eating. It is a change of pace and a chance to stock up on some food.

I went to the local store owners last summer and made some suggestions that I thought would help. Money leaves this valley each month, from people like me who are not able to find the items we need. I added my monthly amount and multiplied it by the population. By my figures, it came to big dollars. I calculated that several million dollars each year leave this community to shop in the city’s stores. I passed this on to the owners but they like things the way they are. Some of the rest of us do not.

Competition. That is what we need. I have talked to money people and they agree. Plans are being put together to change the way things are in Escalante. 

Some may not like the change but this change will benefit our community.

The first time I heard the song, “the wheels on the bus go round and round,” was from a TV series called Dharma and Greg. There was Dharma singing that song on the bus. My sides still aches from that silly show. It is good to laugh at ourselves. It helps when we aren’t able to laugh.

I used to ride the bus to High School. Provo High was where I attended school, at least when I wasn’t cutting class to go off campus and check out all the college girls across the street. That’s where the old gym was for the college. This was my favorite class. I got straight A’s. 

I got kicked off the bus a few times when I teased the driver just a little bit too much. They were patient with all of us, but if they were pushed too far we ended up walking. It was only 2 or 3 miles to school, of course it was uphill both ways.

I hope Katie isn’t walking right now. They should be pulling into town any minute. It is a long walk from Cedar to Escalante and it is cold on the mountain when the sun goes down.

The bus will be riding low when it pulls into town, everyone with their shopping bags and packages. The bus is parked across the street when it isn’t being used. We have to stock up on groceries when we can. 

Tuesday’s and Friday’s are the days when the grocery store gets it supply of food. If you wait till Wednesday or Saturday you may not find what you need. 

Have you ever seen panic buying? I have on TV. It is not a pleasant sight. Rushing and pushing and empty shelves. 

While in Hawaii, we got a storm warning. A strong pacific storm was moving toward the Big Island and getting stronger each day. I decided to pick up some supplies, just in case things got bad. I had water and batteries and some bulk food in my cart. As I waited to check out, the man behind me made a rude comment about being overly concerned. Over the next few days I watched as the storm got closer and closer. I went back to that store to get a candy bar and noticed that all the water bottles were gone, the battery racks were empty and the grocery shelves were being emptied. The storm missed us that time. I did watch a water spout form off the coast. It was a near miss. 

The wheels on our short bus will soon be here, filled with food to last another month. It’s nice to have an extra can of beans in the cupboard, just in case the wheels on the bus have an unexpected stop and we are not able to laugh.

Coming Out

Over the years, this phrase has come to represent many things to many people. 

I have been in hiding for most of my life. I have kept my secrets and lived under the radar. My public life has consisted of work, family, and for a time, religion. I accepted responsibilities from these various assignments in life and found only limited joy. I tried not to offend those who I associated with but found a part of me that was dissatisfied with life. I allowed that limitation to affect my expression of life. My assignments were less than what I was really capable of doing. 

This past year has been a time of introspection and growth. My wife of 17 years died a year ago of cancer. She has been the wind in my sails. When that wind ceased to blow, I was left on a calm and waveless ocean. I drifted for many weeks and months, often spending my time bailing out the ocean of tears that fell. I finally drifted onto an island where I was able to find a part of me that had been lost for a long time. I lived a life of Robinson Crusoe on my island and I began look for a way to survive. I took what I had in my boat and put them together with what I found on my island.

I am now ready to set sail again. The gentle winds that now fills my sail come from the storms of life that taught me how to navigate the harbors and reefs, that taught me not only survive but to thrive. I found my self on that island. My real hidden self. I am coming out now from hiding. I am filled with the wonder of life again and thrill at the beauty of nature and the variety of life all around. I honor the variety of the human soul and look to find the wisdom of those teachings.

I have found an old friend on that island, my friend Friday...

Friday is my inner being, my still small voice. He has been with me from the beginning, mostly in the background of my life. He is the one who is helping me to share my thoughts and inner feelings of life now. I draw the inspiration and the depth of understanding that he has to offer and it is comforting to know him once again.

You may not always see Friday in my life, I sometimes revert to Monday. Monday is the part of me that is still struggling with life, still trying to solve problems and find peace and harmony within. Monday doesn’t come around very often, but he is still there to remind me of what could be ...

I will be sharing my Friday’s with you, and my Monday’s. These, are who I am. I will share my failures and my successes with you and ask you to be a gentle breeze, for life is sometimes difficult. We will join together, and navigate the waters of life...

Sun-dogs

Most days you will find me outside in nature, especially when the sun is shining and skies are blue. Here in Southern Utah the skies are a vivid deep blue that is unique to this area. I am partial to my home here. It is the home of my ancestors.
Today the sun is bright and warm. I am having breakfast with my chickens. I have a place where the winds are blocked and I can work on my tan regardless of the season. The clouds are floating lazily across the sky filled with sun-dogs. Sun-dogs are rainbows in the clouds, reflections of the sunshine through moisture in the atmosphere.
My attention is often drawn to the skies these days, it wasn’t always so, I have been so busy with all the details of life that some may have thought differntly.
My gaze was to the sky 40 years ago. I was coming home from a date, it was late and not many were up. The mountain's were silhouettes against the backdrop of the night sky. That is where I saw them, dancing.
I lived in Provo, Utah 40 years ago, a mormon community that is highlighted by Brigham Young University. The enrollment was much smaller then, and traffic was manageable. I liked it when summer came, the students would go back home and traffic was even lighter. Sometimes I would visit the college and wander around the campus. The students looked so old to me. I would ride the elevator to the top of 6 floors for a thrill and look around the Wilkinson Room. That is where dances and parties happened.
This particular night I was standing in front of my own house. The night sky was beautiful to gaze upon. That is when I noticed them. Lights. Dozens of Lights, all over the night sky. Some were moving slow, while others were darting quickly back and forth. I stood and watched for a long time. I wondered about those lights that night, but after a few months, I forgot. They have been lost to my memory for many years.
When my wife Pearlene left SnowFlake, Arizona to come and marry me, her eyes were on the skies. She was traveling with friends who were visiting Utah. One of the cars had broken down on the Navajo Reservation. They all stopped while repairs were made. While they all waited, my wife to be, walked down off the road and was admiring the rocks. She saw a huge eagle in the sky. It circled her, first 3 times to the right,  then 3 times to the left. She watched with her eyes to the sky for a long time that day. When she finally came back to the road, the others asked her what she was watching? She told them it was a huge eagle and asked if they had seen it too. They replied that they had seen her looking and looked in that same direction, but had seen nothing.
Today as I ate breakfast with the chickens, I was reflecting on Sun-dogs, eagles, and lights in the sky. I am grateful for the moments when take the time to look around me and notice the subtle things that life offers. I wonder how many other things I have missed in my life because I was caught up in the details of life.
Someone once said a wise thing that has helped me. “Forget the details and work on the Big Picture.”
I try to remember that wisdom, to keep my eyes to the skies and work on that Big picture...
As a child I wished upon a star of Light and now it is up to me to find my way there.
I am careful to watch each day, never knowing if I may be floating on clouds of sun-dogs, Riding on wings of Eagles, or steering my vehicle of Light, always with my eyes to the skies.
If you should see me sunning with my chickens, stop and visit, I would like to hear your dreams and visions, together we will circle the skies ...