I have felt the feelings of joy return many times over the past few months. It happened again yesterday as I was driving home from a shopping trip. My joy is a return to a happier time when I was young and free. It felt like a rush of fresh clean air filling my lungs. It is a carefree feeling of freedom filled with unlimited possibilities.
My first marriage was not a positive experience for me. Most of those 17 years were filled with struggles and heartache. Mostly from communication problems and ego. I lost that feeling of joy somewhere in that 17 years and it turned into a feeling of trying to survive each day. I felt like I was dragging an anchor where ever I went. Toward the end of that 17 years my life was unbearable. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I met a wonderful woman who helped to heal my past wounds and taught me how forgive those in my past and look forward with a positive attitude. I realized that this was a formula for me to work through other baggage that I had. I began by making a list of all unresolved issues that I had buried deep inside my heart. It took me a number of weeks to make my list and when I was finished I had several pages of items. It was a bit depressing to look at all of my issues, realizing that it would take some time to work them all out. I took that list and prioritized the issues and started to work on them one at a time. It took me months before the list began to get smaller. Some of the issues I was not ready to face and didn’t want to have to interact with the people that had caused these wounds. I found that most things I could work out on my own. I had to take a critical view of myself and my trust issues. My list was a view of all the mistakes and failures that I had made in my earlier life. Some of those things dealt with other people and I felt that I needed to contact these people and ask for forgiveness to let go of my negative feelings and to have them forgive me.
As my list got smaller I began to feel better about myself, better about my future, and more confident about the accomplishments that I was making. I no longer felt that I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and I felt noticeably lighter. I was smiling more and the past was no longer haunting me. I made peace with my negative past. At the end of many months I was able to take my list of issues and burn them. This was the final act of releasing past wounds and forgiving myself.
I now wonder why I hung onto those issues so long. I think I wanted to punish myself for failing. I bought into an old story. I believed the lies that I had been told. Religion had taught me that no one could be perfect, sin was the great separator between man and God. These self appointed shepherds set themselves up to be my judges and for a time I believed them.
I found myself at the end of a long wooden table after 40 years of service. Fifteen men with long faces sat around this table and told me how I had failed in life. They told me that I must follow them without questions. They had a more direct line to God and they could never lead me astray, God would not allow it. They told me I could only pray the authorized way. At the end of an hour of questions, they asked if I would obey them. I answered that I could not follow them. I would only follow my heart. Two days later two of these men delivered a letter stating that I was excommunicated from their church.
It was a perfect parting of a vast sea of judgments for me. I was released from all past obligations and I walked on water when I left that meeting.
There are many who would like us to be just like them. They are more comfortable that way. When I began to let go of my past judgements and issues, I began to feel the joy of my earlier life. Life before judgments. I began to recapture the inner child. I realized that God has never judged me. He has alway been close. It was my own MIS-creation that kept me in separation. The separation was my own false creation.
I have long ago forgiven those 15 men for their “Court of Love,” they were only following the traditions of their fathers. They gave me a wonderful gift of new life.
I used that experience as a spring board to my new life. I have no judgments in my new life. I avoid those who remain in these places of negativity. I choose to surround my self with positive and uplifting people who are children at heart. My sail is filled with a joyous wind and I am sailing into new, peaceful waters leaving my anchors behind.
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